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10-19-2008, 4:38 AM EVEnl Joined on 10-19-2008 Posts 2 Poem Luce/Rachel commends please (: Hello everyone, I was surprised to find a forum about the film, I think it's great. I absolutely love this film, it makes me feel so happy. I can't get enough of the vids circling around on youtube . Squee! I wanted to ask you guys the following because I know that everyone here has watched the film so many times (like me) I secretly watch it at night sometimes because my mom doesn't want me to stay up late, although when it was showing on tv the other day she thought it was a nice story and it reminded her of Notting Hill and wanted to watch my dvd again. I love Holland everyone is so openminded, although when I would tell her I'm gay she will be heart broken - I think I like both boys and girls, but girls more, so I won't tell her. I'm a learner of English and have to make a poem about a film I saw recently and I figured since this one makes me feel so warm I would write about the relationship between Luce and Rachel... well, the moment they break up. My teacher says it was okay to use quotes and tell the story line well anyway... this is what I've come up with so far and would really like to get your opinion about it because you guys know the story so well and I'm not such a good poet. Is it correct or is there something you think is missing (is my grammar okay?) thank you all in advance (: Primrose Hill When you are around… My reality drifts away and all that’s left is you… Look up at the sun I realize whilst taking a stroll sun, another sunny day I was incomplete and now I am whole Look up at the clouds There over that hill No time to pretend clouds, another cloudy day I don’t want this to end Look up at the rain Here, this hurts the most, who’s to say, rain, another rainy day I can’t live without you? The tears will keep my eyes closed\ Look up at that sky It never felt so clear before Don’t forget me, blue sky, on this cold October day I won’t remember anything else you are all I see. I wish to be held by you once more I walk away down that hill You will walk the other way We’ll never be together This is not what I want We’re both under the weather But we know you can’t Tears will soon fill My eyes and the sky will turn grey But we’ll be okay Right?    Report

10-25-2008, 2:38 PM Chrissy Joined on 10-26-2008 London Posts 12 Re: Poem Luce/Rachel commends please (: Hey Evelyn, I must say I think your poem is beautiful and the quotes are well chosen. In some parts of your poem, I felt the structure was slightly off and could be reinforced better. Like the line "I was incomplete and now I am whole" doesn't quite build up enough, it'd be stronger if it was "I was once incomplete but now with you I am whole" Also, I noticed a part of your pattern is having a description of the weather and then putting day at the end such as "sun, another sunny day" "rain, another rainy day" I think this doesn't fit in so well with the rest of the verse and cuts off the flow a little. It'd be nicer if you described the weather in depth with artistic words rather than try and create a pattern. My favourite part of your poem must be "This is now what I want" and "But we know you can't" if you cut out the "We're both under the weather" bit and just let it flow, then it'd be a beautiful verse. And the last verse is amazing, although is the word "Right?" meant to be there.. Seems like an awkward finish to a beautiful poem if you add a question to it. You really brought out the story of Rachel and Luce very well in your story but try working on illustrating the park more and the weather. You should write more poetry, you're really good :) Can I ask did you take some lines from "Who's to say" by Vanessa Carlton? I recognise some lyrics there ;) Luce: Tell me to go. Tell me that's what you want and I will walk away and you will never seen me again. Rachel: Is that what you want? Luce: I want you. Luce: Don't forget me Rachel: I won't remember anything else    Report

10-27-2008, 5:23 AM EVEnl Joined on 10-19-2008 Posts 2 Re: Poem Luce/Rachel commends please (: Thank you so much for your usefull comment :) I will try to look at it again and follow your advice - it'll probably get better. (I will post it when it's finished) My sister does have two albums of Vanessa Carlton so I looked if that song was on one of them and it was (on Harmonium) I listened to the lyrics and I too heard some of the lines, maybe I did that subconsciously. My sister listens to Vanessa Carlton as much as I listen to U2 (believe me that's a lot). Thank you so much for mentioning that. I will try to change that because my teacher won't be so happy if she finds out, although I don't think she'll search the internet in order to tell if I've written it myself. I didn't write those lines on purpose. How I should illustrate the weather in a different way I don't know yet... I really have to think about that more, perhaps if I just put the poem away for a few day and then read it again I may think of something better. Hope you'll take a look at it again when it's posted on the forum. :D    Report

10-27-2008, 10:34 AM Chrissy Joined on 10-26-2008 London Posts 12 Re: Poem Luce/Rachel commends please (: Oh, maybe you just did it by accident 'cause of hearing the song from your sister playing it, it's quite common. I don't think it's too obvious that you've used the lyrics, but it's nice to implent your own ideas. Try re-arranging the wording a little bit but keeping the same concept - I recommend you to use a thesaurus - or an online one if you don't have one in real life. I tend to pick up a thesaurus and just browse alternative words all the time. The funny thing is, I actually learnt about Imagine Me & You by watching this fan-video of them and the user actually used the song "Who's to say" by Vanessa Carlton! Then I got infatuated with the song as well as Rachel and Luce, hehe :) So I was very alert that you used the lyrics from the song. I can't wait to see the finished version. I've done that many times with poems I've written where I keep editing it and editing it. Putting it away for now is a good thing, don't make it a chore for yourself to edit it, wait for inspiration to come to you. Luce: Tell me to go. Tell me that's what you want and I will walk away and you will never seen me again. Rachel: Is that what you want? Luce: I want you. Luce: Don't forget me Rachel: I won't remember anything else    Report

11-12-2008, 3:55 AM Evelyn Joined on 11-12-2008 Posts 1 Re: Poem Luce/Rachel commends please (: so hey... I made a new account because the other one won´t log in, when I had asked for a new password to be send to my address no new password came... so... here´s my new version of the poem, hope you like! it´s a free verse one... Primrose Hill When you are around… My reality drifts away and all that’s left is you… Looking up at the sun I realize whilst taking a stroll Saw through the blinding rays I was once incomplete but now with you I am whole Looking up at the clouds There over that hill I don’t want this to end I’m a silence for faith leaves slowly descend from the branches in the gentle autumn wind Looking up at the rain This hurts the most, For in certainty who will say I can’t live without you? The tears will keep my eyes closed Looking up, Don’t forget me, Sky, clear as before, this cold October day I won’t remember anything else you are all I see. forevermore I will walk away down that hill You will walk the other way We’ll never be together This is not what I want But we know you can’t Tears will soon fill My eyes and the sky will turn grey But we’ll be okay    Report

12-10-2008, 3:08 PM Chrissy Joined on 10-26-2008 London Posts 12 Re: Poem Luce/Rachel commends please (: Hey Evelyn, Sorry to hear about your other account but I must say the editing you've done with your poem is excellent! Reminds me of IMAY so much... I'm gonna be off to go see that movie for my 14th time... Have you shown your teacher/handed it in yet? She should really see it =] Best regards Chrissy Luce: Tell me to go. Tell me that's what you want and I will walk away and you will never seen me again. Rachel: Is that what you want? Luce: I want you. Luce: Don't forget me Rachel: I won't remember anything else    Report

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